Need a torch

To direct me to the desired direction.
To analyze problems and teach me to look at things at a broader perspective.
To influence me in striving for my passion, to work hard & work smart.

Reflected on my first semester and I have derived that my attitude and perspective may be just what I have to overcome first in me. I need to have a purpose which I strongly believe in, so that in the next 7 semesters I wouldn’t lose myself but continue to strive on. with this purpose in mind, I would stop asking myself rhetorical questions like ‘why am here on a Saturday/ Sunday/ PH doing projects?’, ‘are these worth it?’, ‘why am I the one doing these?’, ‘why must I mug so hard?’, ‘is getting an A possible?’ yes questions like these kept me pondering every day as I was entangled up in a series of mayhem, busy fighting fire and not knowing clearly why am I fighting so hard. I was often lost, knowing that i have to do this just because its the course requirement, because due dates are approaching, because my groupmates..

The torch- don’t regret.
it reflects that I need to put my beliefs in myself- work hard just for myself, because I have only lived once, so I want to make my life that’s one worth living, I don’t want to regret not doing things that I’ll regret not doing, because I’m only the one in control of my life. I need to and want to be open to every circumstances & regard it as a learning opportunity, don’t complaint, once you complaint you remember it & take it to heart. In order to be open & positive, stop complaining.

Why do i study hard?
With knowledge you are empowered, and it challenge you to look beyond the surface, developing tolerance & acceptance towards others and within you.

Yes yes yes, keep these in mind, and you’ll be alright. Have faith.

Self love.
Love yourself for who you are, though the aspiration in the betterment of oneself is healthy, but never think that you are not good. You are good.

Be open, be courageous.
If opportunities were to visit you again, never let it slipped away. If you never try, never explore out of your comfort zone, you’ll never learn & discover new strength & weakness.

The great 2011

This year has been really awesome, i have learnt, benefited, had lots of fun, jitters & achievements.

In Jan- Feb, i was still rushing like a mad zombie for school projects. I had short hair then, cut the long hair off so that it could remind myself constantly on my initial intention for that. Well, i love my short hair though my young bros disapprove it, but i was very happy about that courageous step. Here are some of the highlights this year:

This was taken in Jan 26, celebrating Joclyn’s Birthday:

On 23rd Feb, I had organised a Dinner at Hardrock Cafe for the marketing cohort, together with MIG. It was an accomplishment of ours, I never thought I could manage this, but I did it, it was an unforgetable night!

March 24: This is the first time I have ever had a party, well exclude baby shower which I wasn’t fully conscious of it yet. I had never threw a party before, it was awkward for me at first when i invited friends over to my house. Never thought these people would really come down to celebrate with me on this happy occasion. I’m very thankful for having my entire family helping me with the elaborated decorations (even when I didn’t plan and expect it), the sweet guest book, & most of all the people who were present. I felt so so blessed that day for having my family, my relatives, and my friends with me that day. 

My Family:

My friends

I’ll always keep in mind that I’m blessed & loved

The following month was an incredible & amazing learning journey of mine. I have organised Peduli Bangsa, we’re the pioneers! The friendship we have bonded, the cultural & constructing experiences we have gained, the night where someone was touched and teared for me, & the same happened to me. The night where I felt very blessed again with a leader’s gesture & words touched my heart so much that I could remember what was said till today. It’s another unforgettable night, and that i had to take my leave even before I could witness the entire closure to the project. nonetheless, it was great!

In May, i had my graduation ceremony. The proud moment where I know that I have made a differences in Mktg, that I have done all my hardwork justice, and proven to everyone that the one year wasn’t wasted in vain. I had done my parents proud, I had met a bunch of supportive lecturers, best of all, I had my friends & a cca which gave me the sense of belonging for the past 3 years. 

TThere was another occasion where I had my school robes on, that day was such a joyous occasion that I have to admit that this day was quite important to my family. We went to the studio to have our family portrait taken. It was not easy to ensure that everyone is free on that day, but I’m really glad that everyone was present on this important day of ours. everyone was smiling so widely, giggling when we witness our parents taking their couple portrait. Mum and dad were really happy that day to have all of us there, i know mum felt really proud and blessed to have us that day. Cheers to that! ^^V

In April, How can i forget about our Korea trip? yes, i had lots of fun, food and laughters at korea together with tingting, sanjie and father. I thought father wouldn’t enjoy the trip with us because there’s alot of girl’s shopping (less shopping for the males though), been to an amusement park-Everland where i just lost of myself among the beautiful tulips, went on the inverter ride-was tossed in the sky 360degree so shiok and frightened at the same time.

I saw father’s smile, he hardly smile that often back in sg though. He can be as easily contented as a child when you gave him a good waffle or pop corn after a few searches. He can be really sweet when he gladly and patiently waited for the 3 of us while we queue for the ride in the amusement park, he can be really nice.. 

In June: It was a whole series of interviews, and felt all jittery about them. I had went back to TP to share with the juniors on my university applications & interviews, my school life in poly etc. I have learnt alot from each of the interviews, the essence of asking questions, the need to feel confident and courageous, the mental and emotional stress that i have gone through during the interviews. I have left with no other opinions but to throw the non-confident self OUT and bring in my courage & confidence. Phew~ those scary experiences were really great for me to challenge my self esteem, i’m glad i did it!

I’ve gotten into a university, new school, new environment, new friends, new (& a very different) culture. I was intimidated, uncertain, apprehensive that I wouldn’t be able to ‘survive’, but i think i’m wrong. As a poly student, i do have strengths that i could leverage on, though there’s my weaknesses but i took it up as a positive challenge. I was actually feeling very down in the midst of all the tests, assignments and pressures. It was just about the right time when my role model reminded me to take every obstacles as a learning opportunity and develop a growth mindset. And I did, i avoided and prevent myself from complaining about studies on twitter etc, i have studied hard (at least harder than my poly days). I’m feeling quite contented with my results, knowing that it isn’t my best performance yet I’m happy enough to know that I HAVE SURVIVED and at least produced a decent grade. the most rewarding of all, i find the joy in gaining more knowledge from the modules that i have taken.

I’m starting to get used to this system, this environment, this culture. However, i’m still longing for a comfortable and appropriate cca for myself, one that i’m truly passionate about. I was quite involve in skating recently, skating at a high speed down the slopes, douched through the crowd at Orchard Road in my skates just felt so good, such a good stress reliever, it was really great to know that at least i’m good in one kind of sport. I have erased the thought that i wasn’t good in sport, but instead believe that i could TOO be good in sports, it’s just that i haven’t tried many other sports other than swimming, who knows i could be really good in skating? hohoho! and i have tried kayaking this sem too. It just felt so good to dare myself to try out these sports. I’m exploring my strength, my passion, my interest still in school, and i hope i could find one that i’m truly passionate about soon, i’m hopeful about that!

With my classmate: I see this bunch of classmates the more than 12hours every week! (normal meeting duration for other groups is 2hrs, we’re 12hours! O.O)

This is SMUZY, the bunch of friends i have met through orientation camp. never knew we would meet again after the camp, but i’m really blessed to have them with me here. We have been to many places, be it pulau ubin, timbre, sleep over at one of the group member’s house, booked a seminar room just to celebrate our birthdays in there at night, watched movies in the seminar rm, photo booth in gsr etc etc. And great news! i’m going Laos with them in MAY 2012 with them and 9 other members for another community service trip! it’s gonna be another awesome trip!

Kayaking with one of my classmate: he’s blur and so funny at times. but when it comes to studies, i have to admit that we look so serious. I found that i could work really well with him, he’s one of the helpful teammates, and reminded me a lot of joclyn. hahaha

I have enjoyed myself so much during this well deserved breaks! Catch up with secondary school friends, poly friends, uni friends. went back to TP for a good lunch, celebrated xmas like countless times with friends and family. Been to an uncle’s wedding. made lots of beautiful notebooks, i was so proud of it, (muhahahah) and i had lots and lots of good food. had lots of sleep, played THE SIMS (although i was restricted my younger sis on playing it. sigh why must you do this to me xl?) but still i love my holidays thus far, and it’ll just get better!

All in all, year 2011 was really awesome. thanks to those who showered me with love, care & concerns. Thanks for being my friend, thanks for being there for me at my lowest times, and also cheering for me when I achieved my goals. Really appreciate that <3

I have 2 more weeks of holidays and i’ll take this chance to garner all my drive, my strength and my determination to start my second semester again! Now, i’m ready~

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B.R.A.V.E

Congratulations to me for conquering my fear today! For stepping out of my comfort zone, and challenge myself to reach out for an aspiring goal of mine.

I had a struggle in me earlier on before entering the interview room, even before that i was struggling with my own reluctance and was hesitant on my decision to go for the interview.

This role model cum advisor appeared in my whirlpool of hesitant and struggle, telling me to conquer my fear and if I have never step out of my comfort zone, i would never know what i could achieve.

The interview was great, probably the best that I have gone to and one that I have performed well so far. I felt soooo proud of myself for even having the guts to indicate my interest for it, to have stayed back after lesson alone while waiting for the interview, and even to step into the interview room itself. Regardless of the results, i felt like a winner already.

Today is probably one of the most fruitful and self-satisfying day. I have even received a compliment from prof on one of my work, something which i have not heard of since day 1. these days i just felt so lousy, so downhearted and discouraged in school and among my peers.

but today, i felt like the brave xw in mktg has came back. I have got to remember this day, this feeling of euphoria that I have right now, and motivate myself to go in the journey that lies ahead.

Ting was so right, i did not seem to be as bad as what i thought i am. One day, I’m gonna proof it to myself and others that it isn’t a wrong decision to have chosen this place and that this place didn’t make the wrong decision in giving me the privilege to be in here.

I’m gonna proof it to myself, because many times, the greatest challenge and enemy is none other than myself. and no other.

If I were to be in hogwarts, i believe i belong to the griffindoor house.

sometimes, i’m amazed by myself by what I have could do. You can do it man, it’s all within you, you have just got to believe in yourself!!

A whole new beginning

I have survived the first week of school, with much surprises, uncertainties and anticipation. It was really an eye opener for me to witness how lessons are conducted in a seminar room, how engaging the professors are, how well others articulate their thoughts & ideas in class with confidence and the entire experience of receiving a higher standard of education is really amazing.

Apart from embarking on the modules that’s much complex & requires higher analytical skills, there’s a diversity in the environment & it adds on to the competitive atmosphere in the school.

Meeting new classmates, exchanging names & self introduction, forming new project groups for every module with different people, on the first lesson and even to ballot our project case study during our first lesson are norms that were quickly established by the professors in the first week.

I have this schoolmate, who I met in orientation camp, reserved a study room right on the first day of school, & invited the group of us to study together. I thought that was being too kiasu moreover it’s only the first week why the hurry in studying the textbooks? However, to my amazement, majority of the classmates have read the first few chapters of their textbooks and prepared for the class. Cultural shock for me because I have never expected that on the first lesson in the first week. I’ve witness students who are very concern of their studies, and even came forward to the prof to clear their doubts during their breaks.

After my lesson and on the way home, I wonder why all these behaviors amazed me, & why I didn’t get to witness or study under such environment back in poly or secondary school. If I were to read one chapter of the text before my lesson in poly or secondary school, I would be deemed as a nerd, even if I do prepare I wouldnt dare to admit when the tcher asked to have a show of hands for those who have prepared. but over here, my classmate actually asked why I’m not prepared and what I’ve been doing?!

I felt the need to build up my english proficiency because I’m afraid they would laugh at my poor English when I speak, and bcos of that I don’t dare to voice out which also means no participation marks that accounts for 10 to 25%! >.<

All in all, I'm thankful for all these exposures but i really need to buck up! I kind of understands why some parents expect and hope that their child enters into certain schools now. A part of me wished that I had mature earlier, excel & have the grasp in my studies earlier in life so that I won't feel so weak now. But it's ok, I'll conquer this!

Poker face

Just came back from a camp, wounded and with a head that’s spinning now.

Previously I didn’t talk much in the first camp bcos i thought It’s me who didn’t really made the effort to talk. But after this second camp, I found that it’s people or rather the environment that I’m not comfortable with.

I met people who despise Chinese so much, they think it’s not cool and even “bullied” a Chinese scholar in my group. I have met people who asked me if I’m local ( bcos I look like a cheena & sounded like one). I’ve met people who stereotype poly students as clubbers and was even asked “how often do I club”, I don’t even club please! And stop stereotyping poly students as bad guys!

Then I have facilitators who suggested to the group to bring alcohols into the camp. And yesterday night was filled with a whole lot of alcohols, people who got high on alcohols and danced on the “dance floor”. The room ( which is our sleeping area) turned to a club as the party rock songs were blasted in the room. The five of us who don’t drink and dance played cards, the only entertainment that we have at a corner, and were perceived as the unenthusiastics ones.

The most outrageous thing is that we have “leaders” calling us to pretend to be asleep as the heads are coming to do a headcount at 4am. As soon as the heads left, the room was once again filled with disturbing shrills, screams, girl puking, and guys calling out losers. Talk about poly students being the all-time clubbers, the kettle is obviously calling the pot black. However I was too worn out to even care about the noise and just doze off in my sleeping bag.

I can’t imagine how my first year will be like if I were to continuously meeting these kind of people in my class. I know I shouldn’t be apprehensive at this stage but judging from the majority, I’m worried.

I’ve tried hard to break out of my comfort zone by joining this camp, but I can’t adapt because I don’t do/ believe in the same way as them. Its in my personality traits and I can’t change the way I am behaving for the past twentyone years, can I?

Why is there always a struggle in being myself.

Are we friends?

It’s easy to make hi-bye friends, friends who you work with, friends who you see everyday in school. We can smile at familiar faces and exchanged words of greetings, start introducing and get to know about each other’s life. But that’s when there’s have a common place that you go, and you visit that place for a purpose (work/school).

When one parted with that common meeting place, and when purposes and direction in life changes, will you still keep in contact with the friends who you met there?

Meeting friends is easy, but managing and keeping your true friends with you is not. It takes lots of effort and initiative in both parties to come together for gatherings or even updating each other on their lives be it in social media or through face to face.

I got to really thank jiashan for always taking up the initiative in organizing gatherings/ dinner/ or even a what’s app group to keep each other updated about our lives. If not for her, I may not even have secondary school friends to hang out now. Was sharing with Mañhöñg that I’m actually slow in opening up to others. We both agreed that it’s a good point in a way.

I’ve made real nice friends along the way, but how many of them do i actually confide in, or talk to now?

It takes a while to know a friend but a life time to know a true friend.

I miss some of them so much but i’ve no courage to tell them that. what if time has taken its effect and that they dont feel the same towards you and dont regard you as a worthy friend anymore? We would always brush off by saying we’ll meet again, but when?

Inspired

I know I used to complain about work, grumble and all, but now, not anymore.

I see passion, sense of ownership, and bosses who really love to take up the interest. I am too very interested in picking this hobby up, but it’s too costly for me as of now. The bosses are independent and very capable women of their early 30s. One of them even has a full time job apart from this business. I look up to them, for being so daring in setting up a business in this area of business, for being so capable, for doing what they love.

I want to be successful like them, may not earn a lot, but at least it’s doing what I love. And that’s probably the reason why I’m still hanging on to the job two months ago when I couldn’t get used to the job. I had actually love doing it and I like the warm fuzzy feeling when you managed to help some warm hearted customers in doing smth sweet for their loved ones. And of course I like the feeling of making the sale, hitting the sales target has been a goal since don’t know when it just got into me.

The first

Had my freshmen orientation camp last Wednesday, and was feeling all jittery and apprehensive.

I’ve got into a group which consist of 10 other freshies of different personalities. Some are loud, an informal leader that rise among us since day one, some are jokers, some are demure. There’s many first impressions and misperception cast on each other, but it has all been laughed off and thrown out on the last night of our stay in the camp.

Many said their first impression of me was/is quiet, reserved, don’t dare to voice out, not enthu etc. A few has told me that i dont sound like singaporean bcos i dont have the accents. (?!?!?) I told them that it isn’t how I was when I’m with my group of friends who I’m comfortable with. After describing my first impression of the group, I head to sleep as I was initially scheduled for an interview on the following day. I was in my slumber, not in a very deep one though, when I heard my name from a group member. I woke up to a shower of praise from her, finally I felt some warmth from my group after the past two days in the camp. she could see and feel my sincerity and trust in me despite the short span of two days with her in the group.

The next morning I packed my bags and left the camp and the group, upon leaving I was actually can’t bear to leave them and all the fun that’s lining up in the challenge later on. The experience of team bonding, the fun in the games, the group synergy that we had. I guess it’s all fated for me to return back to the team after receiving the notice that the interview was postponed. Sis was actually advising me to return home when I was alrdy out of the camp. It’s really amazing, My team won the best group award across the entire 4 clans.

Warm fuzzy feeling indeed was all that we feel inside our hearts, there isn’t monetary rewards but that’s when you know that experience of synergy worth more than any other monetary rewards.

There’s lots of things that you can’t buy with money. 1. Friendship-sincere ones 2. Team work/ group synergy 3. Simple happiness & pleasure

Don’t you agree?

Right / wrong? It doesn’t matter

Met an uncle over at my grandma’s place. He was telling my siblings and I that he allows his children to stay up late at night, although he may not see his daughter in the day ( bcos her body clock is totally opposite to the family’s) but he let her do so, he emphasized that there’s no point giving restrictions and he encourage freedom. My siblings and I especially my youngest bro were in shocked. Never have we thought the almighty uncle who was known to be very strict and firm would allow such behaviors from their children.

I’ve got to thank mum and father for teaching and grooming my siblings and I into someone who knows our limits, knowing what’s right and wrong, what is accepted and what’s not. We may be brought up in a very traditional conventional protected family environment but I’m glad that I’m like that. LJ was curious and apprehensive, he looked up to this uncle of mine but he never thought that he would allow his daughter to return in the wee hours and the young boys to play and sleep at 3am plus 5. LJ asked how come this uncle and the way he brought up his child is so different from us. He turned in by 10.30pm, he would always be asked to complete his homework before he plays, he knows that we (his sistersss) wont return home very late etc. My uncle later “taught” him that there’s no use in restricting because it would only cause the children to rebel more.

After we’d parted, I told bro that it’s okay if we are being brought up in different ways as our cousin as long as we are happy with the values and beliefs that we have learnt under our parents’ guidance. My bro nodded and said he’s glad that he’s being brought up this way, he thinks that it’s correct and that he’s happy and comfortable that we are in a way more ‘disciplined’. I’m happy that my youngest bro has grown to have his own set of beliefs and values at this age, he sticks to his own beliefs despite he was told that that was being restrictive. He thinks it’s correct and that he is glad that he is brought up this way. I’m so proud of him seriously!

Many times I’ve got confused too. I have lots of friends who club, drink and get high, return home late around 3 plus 4am, and the cycle continues. They have got lots of friends, they are considered as the ‘in’ ones. Sometimes I wondered why this is the trend of the youths these days?Often get confused with the beliefs and values that I hold, wondering if I’m too guai, reserved? I have even got told that I’ve got no life by a classmate of mine after I merely told her my activities over the term break. I realized that what others thought of my life doesn’t matter anymore, most importantly is that I’m happy with the way I live my life. I told my bro about it and he understood shortly I explained to him.

To me, the ultimate goal in life is happiness. Regardless if you see a half filled bottle or a half empty bottle, there’s no right or wrong answers to that, as long as you are happy with how you perceive it.

I do agree that we are traditional, guai, reserved and all, my sisters and I don’t club, dont drink, and return home before the clock strikes 12. But I’m glad that we are like that, potential and eligible bachalorrettessssss. Just needed wise sailors to open up their eyes to such treasure kept deep in the sea.